"In the merry, merry month of May, I was shocked to see how much I weigh."
That’s right, sun gods and goddesses, it’s about that time to cause close family members to go into cardiac arrest upon seeing you in the latest fashionable swimwear. Personally, I’m still incredulous at those among us with the guts (and usually one that’s especially noticeable) to wear a Speedo. And yet, the day has now come for the Speedo to be outdone by the thong. Such fashion selections should not be left to the thong-wearer. Rather, we thong-observers should hold ultimate veto power. After all, an outing to the pool or beach should not induce nausea.
This is also the month in which another class of high school seniors end their dominion over their small world and anticipate regressing to freshman status all over again.
Some of you might recall that the great Kefi-lama was last year’s Lake Highlands commencement speaker. I think it’s fair to say that the Kefi-lama’s remarks stuck with every graduate, mostly because copies of his speech were glued inside their caps. Many were hopeful that he would return and share his unique wisdom with this year’s class, but his schedule simply would not permit it (plus, there’s a Kung Fu marathon on Nickelodeon that day).
However, I have been made privy to the short list of alternate commencement speakers. While none of them measure up to the Kefi-lama, each one has something to offer. For example:
Ross Perot, Jr. and Tom Hicks could show us how to get corporate sponsorship of Wildcat Stadium and keep all of the money for themselves. Why not name it "PTs Football Stadium and Gentlemen’s Club"? If they’re good enough for Lake Highlands adults, they’re good enough for our kids, right?
Dallas City Councilman Al Lipscomb could show us how to make public service pay off.
Inventor and would-be king Al Gore could regale us with all of his inventions (besides the Internet, of course) — for instance, the pocket fisherman, the clapper, Dr. Pepper, gravity, and sliced bread.
Former DISD Superintendent Yvonne Gonzalez could share with us lessons learned from her arrest and conviction for being an idiot, like shopping for office furniture on a fixed budget.
Any representative of the Dallas Olympic Committee could tell us how much it will cost taxpayers to pursue an event that could readily make use of the natural environment and facilities Dallas has to offer: chugholes in our streets would make fine targets for the shotput; the Trinity River would be a natural for whitewater-rafting; foreign tourists could enjoy Dallas attractions like the DART train and Fort Worth.
Personally, I think it should be the guy who invented the thong — someone who knows how little it takes to succeed.
