As a popular magazine columnist, native humorist and stretch pants-model, I’m often asked all kinds of fascinating questions, such as: “Who do I think I am?” “Where do I live?” “Why don’t I move far, far away and never come back?” “Do I have various types of foreign matter for brains?” and “Have I always looked like this?”

Of course, I love this kind of interaction with my readers. They feel comfortable enough to ask me questions, apparently unafraid of being arrested, and I am similarly motivated to increase my life insurance coverage and enter the federal witness relocation program.

One particularly intriguing question that has been frequently asked over the past few months has to do with the very large, grimy hole in the ground in the middle of the Kingsley and Audelia intersection (as you can see, things are a little slow in Lake Highlands).

A small fortress of construction materials and personnel has been erected there with no sign of what it is or which fast-food restaurant might be going in there. As with most strange and unfamiliar sights (such as Dennis Rodman), speculation has abounded as to the explanation for its presence.

Some have suggested that it’s the pathway to total enlightenment; I say those people have most likely pierced the wrong body part. Could this be the site of Al Lipscomb’s secret slush fund? Well, I don’t know if the hole is THAT big. Some believe that it’s the only other place Jerry Jones actually looked for a new head coach.

Is it possible this is the bottomless pit into which all of our sales tax contributions for DART have been sacrificed? If so, that light at the end of the tunnel could be from an oncoming DART train – but you should have plenty of time to get out of its way.

Okay. Okay. Enough already. As it turns out, that intersection is the great crossroads of the communication-information highway system for Northeast Dallas (there is a picture of Al Gore at the bottom of the hole).

Southwestern Bell is upgrading its system from little men who run back and forth along the storm sewer pipe to little men who ride back and forth in little motorized cars. Is that 21st century stuff or what?

When I asked about how long the project might take, I was advised by the project manager that he was on his break and couldn’t talk to me. So, when he got off his break the following Tuesday, he told me that he hoped they would finish by the end of March.

He also said it depended on who was on Jerry Springer between now and then.