As my dad sometimes exclaims, “Shut my mouth wide open!” (My dad doesn’t always make sense.) A recent development could very well turn City Hall upside down (and if you’ve ever seen that building, then you know it already looks that way).

Your worst fear has just been realized. Someone has actually appointed me to serve on a City Commission.

What in the world could have caused a rational person to do such a thing?

I have been appointed to the Environmental Health Commission. You’re probably asking what does Keffer know about environmental health.

Well, it just so happens I took some aluminum cans to a recycling, can-crushing machine once or twice a few years ago. And, and I grow organic crops in my back yard and eat only what I grow. My wife makes our children’s clothes from recycled newspapers. I drive my car to work only on days that end in “y.” I convinced Rick Wamre to change the Advocate from a newspaper to magazine format, saving an average of 3,000 trees every month. I can chant “No justice, no peace.” Is that enough?

I belong to all of the big environmental groups, like the Siesta Club, Greenfees, Audie’s Bon-Bon Society and Chuck E. Cheese’s Save the Earth Club.

Actually, in addition to being a smart-aleck, I practice environmental law and specialize in oil field pollution litigation, so maybe the appointment is not completely insane – especially if some guy that looks like Captain Ahab can become Surgeon General.

I haven’t been to a meeting yet, but I expect that we will be deciding weighty matters of state.

For instance, I imagine we will be looking into some of the theories regarding the secret UFO project the federal government is hiding in Nevada.

We will probably debate whether United Nations Security General Bhoutros-Bhoutros Ghali’s mom stuttered when he was born.

I wouldn’t be surprised if we discussed whether it really does take a village to raise a child, in which case I will inform the chairman that I need him to run my kids to several soccer games and birthday parties this weekend.

I have been working on my acceptance speech.

When I’m introduced at my meeting, I think I’ll say something like:

“Four score and seven ozone alert days ago, our city fathers brought together an agency which has spent over $2 billion to bring us a choo-choo train. Ask not what your city can do for you; but what your city is doing to you. The only thing we have to fear is White Rock sludge itself. And as we all know, Fort Worth is an evil empire.”

I’m looking forward to my new civic responsibility.

At first, I had visions of my journey to City Hall being similar to “Mr. Smith Goes to Washington,” but it’s probably closer to “Ernest Goes to Camp.”

I’ll keep you posted.