Hi, my name is Bill, and I’ll be your columnist today and until further notice, having been invited to replace the departing Joan Jackson.
You may recall my guest column in last month’s issue of the Lake Highlands Advocate. If you liked it, I will try to deliver more of the same. If you didn’t – uh-oh.
Having settled down after a long, illustrious career in journalism, which has taken me from road tours with the Monkees in the 1960s to Iowa discos in the 1970s to the Biosphere as a stowaway in the 1980s to covering Barney the Dinosaur before he hit the big time in the 1990s, I am now enthusiastically looking forward to writing columns about why the City of Dallas fears secession threats by Lake Highlands residents; why no one knows that DART really stands for “Dallas Achieves Rapid Taxation;” why most people still think the World Cup is the special sundae-of-the-month at Braum’s; why road humps can be harmful to tall people in short cars; and other hard-hitting, precedent-setting stories that you won’t find in the Greensheet.
The front office suggested that, for my first regular column, I should tell you a little about myself.
Well, first, I must tell you in all humility that I am the rightful heir to the throne of the ancient duchy of Saxony. Not many people know that, and I wear my crown only when I eat at Burger King.
I have the only known photograph of “Whitey,” the White Rock Lake monster. My team finished in 743rd place in the last Hoop-It-Up competition. A lot of people say I remind them of a cross between Tom Cruise and Larry “Bud” Melman.
I’ve always thought those celebrity profiles in the big newspapers are pretty neat. You find out a wealthy executive’s secret to success; a famous actor’s favorite performance; a popular politician’s basic beliefs.
Since no one is likely to “profile” me, I thought I would do my own and let that be my way of introducing myself to you.
So, now, make-believe with me that any of the following is of any interest to anyone:
Last Book You’ve Read: “Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Meet the Morphin Power Rangers” (To my five-year-old son).
Favorite Lake Highlands Tourist Attraction: Morning sightings of John Wiley Price and the Warriors at the Northeast Police Station.
If You Were Mayor of Dallas: I would extradite Jerry Jones back to Arkansas and fill in the DART tunnel with yard signs from Steve Bartlett’s re-election campaign.
Five People You Would Have for Dinner: (I was unable to answer this question, since the TV movie on the Donner Party was on when I was writing this column).
Favorite Restaurant in Lake Highlands and this Galaxy: Kokopelli’s (complimentary dinners are appreciated).
What People Say Behind Your Back: “Gee, he doesn’t look so great from behind.”
Who You Think Should Be Head Coach of the Dallas Cowboys: Me
Favorite Movie: “Young Frankenstein.”
The Person You’re Most Often Confused With: United Nations Secretary General Boutros Boutrous-Ghali.
OK. I feel we have really connected. I am even a little goose-bumply, having shared my innermost thoughts with you.
This column, I hope, will be timely, candid, informative, insightful, irreverent and, ultimately, Pulitzer Prize-winning quality.
Look forward to interviews with Madonna and Vincent Foster (via satellite), recipe-swapping with Hillary Rodham Clinton, editorials about combining Tinseltown and shantytown (drive-in theaters could make a comeback), and generally trying not to take anything too seriously.
Stick around and enjoy the show.