Presidential campaign fever is upon us (or it might just be that my air conditioner is broken). Political pundits are pontificating on whether Bush will be gored or Gore will be ambushed. Will the Reform Party buck Buchanan? Will the Green Party crawl up from its political nadir? Are McCain and Bradley still looking for those advisors who said they could win? Is Lyndon LaRouche in or out of prison for this election? Are Americans tuned into the campaign yet, or will dot.com madness and specials on body piercing (“connect any four pierced body parts for the price of one”) be sufficient to distract them from their civic duty?

Our July and August issues feature a two-part, no-holds-barred interview with Congressman Pete Sessions and challenger Regina Montoya Coggins about their race for the Fifth Congressional District, which includes Lake Highlands. The questions are hard-hitting, the answers are unedited, and they’re wearing no make-up. We are still negotiating with the candidates about a third installment, in which the interview would end with a mud-wrestling match.

In the interest of complete fairness, however, I felt like we should also include at least a short interview with the other, lesser-known candidates: Horace Grimple of the “Responsible” Party, and Dave “Keg Man” Budowski of the “Where’s The” Party.

Kef: Thanks for meeting with me. Do you feel like you’re getting fair coverage compared to Sessions and Montoya Coggins?

Horace: Now I do. This interview with you is really a big deal.

“Keg Man”: Listen, man, as long as everyone has the freedom to party on, I believe in love…or somethin’.

Kef: I’ve looked at both of your websites and am impressed at your use of the Internet in your campaign. What are your thoughts about the Internet?

Horace: I think the Internet has too many holes in it. If elected, I promise to assign a responsible companion, probably a retired school librarian with dentures and a hairnet, to monitor each individual’s use of the Internet, so we all behave ourselves.

“Keg Man”: It’s awesome, man. You can actually order brewskis over the computer, man. My buds tell me that you can do everything over the Internet, and make some righteous buckitos. So if I’m elected, I’ll set up “tattoos.com” and actually slap on your choice of some of our finer tattoos over the computer. Actually, I’ll probably do it even if I’m not elected.

Kef: What’s the one word that best describes you?

Horace: Humorless.

“Keg Man”: Huh?

Kef: Finally, why should the good people of Lake Highlands vote for you?

Horace: They need me. They might not know it, but they need me. Let me take care of you. You’re in good hands with Grimple.

“Keg Man”: Dunno, man, unless yo uhave not yet realized that the Keg Man rocks. A brewski in every pot, man… .

There you have it, Lake Highlanders. Sessions, Montoya Coggins, Grimple, or Dave the “Keg Man” Budowski.

You make the choice, man. Party on.