December 1999. The last month of the last year of the last decade of the last century of the last (?) millennium.

Well, not really. It is the last month of the year, but that other stuff is not technically true until next year, so you can put your end-of-the-world decorations back in the attic.

That little fact, however, isn’t slowing down the millennial marketing madness. We are being pushed to buy every product on the market either because we might not be able to do so in the economic chaos of January 1 or because it will make a lovely decorative collectible.

For example, we are bombarded with commercials for: Millennial Maalox (“when thinking about the future gives you indigestion”); the Millennial Marlboro Man (“he doesn’t smoke anymore; he’s just a sensitive guy”); Millennial Midol (“why make that time of the month seem like a millennium?”); French’s Millennial Mustard (“because with French’s, everyone’s a wiener”); and Millennial Martinizing (“because we decided that one hour just wasn’t long enough”).

Of course, the question everyone is asking is “Y2K?” On the other hand, I prefer to ask “Y not?” As we grow closer to the end of the year, computer jockeys and others who generally look like Bill Gates continue to debate and worry about “software glitches” – which, to me, just sounds like some kind of Hungarian pastry.

Should we expect chaos on New Years Day? Will banks fail and monkeys fly? Will there be no electricity, water or gas? (No gas after New Year’s Eve? I think not.) Will all forms of communication come to an abrupt halt (except, of course, bills from my creditors)? Will I eat too much during the holidays? Personally, I don’t know and won’t really have time to find out until all of the college bowl games are over.

Will things in Lake Highlands be any different just because we’re living in the year 2000? Will Herb’s Paint and Body Shop become a tattoo parlor called “Herb’s Paint-My-Body Shop?” Will Flagpole Hill be leveled to “Flagpole Flats” to make way for another DART station? Will White Rock Lake be the first site for the new sport of Olympic dredging? Will PT’s Gentlemen’s Club finally end its discriminatory practices and change its name to “PT’s Family Fun Center”?

We might not know what the future holds…but we do know that if you pierce your tongue, you obviously don’t have enough hobbies.