In the merry, merry month of May, I was shocked to see how much I weigh. 

That’s right, sun gods and goddesses, it’s about that time to cause close family members to go into cardiac arrest upon seeing you in the latest fashionable swimwear.

Personally, I’m still incredulous at those among us with the guts (and usually one that’s especially noticeable) to wear a Speedo. And yet, the day has now come for the Speedo to be outdone by the thong.

Such fashion selections should not be left to the thong-wearer. Rather, we thong-observers should hold ultimate veto power. After all, an outing to the pool or beach should not induce nausea.

This also is the month in which another class of high school seniors ends its dominion over their small world and anticipates regressing to freshman status all over again.

Some of you might recall that the great Kefi-lama was last year’s Lake Highlands commencement speaker. I think it’s fair to say that the Kefi-lama’s remarks stuck with every graduate, mostly because copies of his speech were glued inside their caps.

Many were hopeful he would return and share his unique wisdom with this year’s class, but his schedule simply would not permit it (plus, there’s a Kung Fu marathon on Nickelodeon that day).

However, I have been made privy to the short list of alternate commencement speakers. While none of them measure up to the Kefi-lama, each one has something to offer. For example:

  • Ross Perot Jr. and Tom Hicks could show us how to obtain corporate sponsorship for Wildcat Stadium and keep all of the money for themselves. Why not name it “PTs Football Stadium and Gentlemen’s Club”? If they’re good enough for Lake Highlands adults, they’re good enough for our kids, right?
  • Any representative of the Dallas Olympic Committee could tell us how much it will cost taxpayers to pursue an event that could readily make use of the natural environment and facilities Dallas has to offer: chugholes in our streets would make fine targets for the shot-put; the Trinity River would be a natural for whitewater-rafting; foreign tourists could enjoy Dallas attractions such as the DART train and Fort Worth.

Personally, I think it should be the guy who invented the thong – someone who knows how little it takes to succeed.