Now that we are emerging from the winter holidays (my people call it Christmas) and are presumably finished with rushing from party to shopping mall to party again, and yelling in our warmest Yuletide voices to get outta my way, I think this is a good time to introduce to our loyal readers the uncommon and always suspect wisdom of the nationally-renowned advice columnist – “Dear I’m No Expert, But…” As you can readily see, the placement of our columnist’s comma in his name clearly — but just barely — distinguishes our advice guru from a real pain in the rear end.
The following questions were submitted at a recent forum held at the Lake Highlands Nuclear Waste and Child Care facility. The theme of the forum was: “Ignorance: Why Don’t We Know More About It?” Our expert now responds.
“Dear I’m No Expert, But…”: Why does Lake Highlands actually look lower than White Rock Lake, when viewed from Mockingbird and Buckner? Signed, Lookin’ High But Feelin’
Low.
Dear Lookin’: Quit gawking. You’re holding up traffic.
“Dear I’m No Expert, But…”: Is bingo bad for you? Signed, Bette Onyu
Dear Bette: Absolutely. It takes away from money that you would otherwise spend on the lottery.
“Dear I’m No Expert, But…”: Why is the Knights of Columbus facility having to move to make way for a DART rail station which won’t be built until 2002 by which time Dallas will have figured out that light rail is a loser? Signed, Confused and Catholic.
Dear Confused: Separation of church and state means church loses, state wins. And it doesn’t help to be named Columbus these days.
“Dear I’m No Expert, But…”: Is John Glenn the oldest American ever to be in outer space? Signed, Over the (Flagpole) Hill.
Dear Over: I don’t know – how old is Al Lipscomb?
“Dear I’m No Expert, But…”: How did you become an expert advice-giver? Signed, A Potential Protégé
Dear Protégé: I needed an idea at the last minute for this month’s column.
“Dear I’m No Expert, But…”: I’ve jogged behind you before, and believe me, from this perspective, you are far from being an expert. Signed, Always Running Behind
Dear Behind: Check the comma. And maintain a safe distance.
And so, our special time with “Dear I’m No Expert, But…” must come to an end. He refuses no questions and reflects no knowledge. Although occasionally irregular, he can communicate like a regular guy. He is every common man but with an uncommon aura about him (except after bathing). His advice is deep, yet he seems so shallow. Please send our expert your most perplexing and personal questions — first, for him to make fun of around the office, and then to answer in a caring and thoughtful way.
Until next month (by which time you will have drowned in post-holiday credit card debt), a joyous Winter Solstice to all, and as a 1999 Tiny Tim might say: “May the Deity whose name I am
prohibited from saying in a public place bless us, every one – and please pass me a copy of the Americans with Disabilities Act.
