Well, we survived another political primary season. Yard signs were everywhere – except in yards. More glossy campaign literature in your mail box than real mail. Campaign brochures rank just below junk mail and just above the electric bill on the excitement meter.
And they all look the same. A picture of the candidate shaking hands with famous people (watch out for cardboard cut-outs), a picture of the candidate surrounded by school kids (watch for arms of unseen adults forcing the kids to stay in the picture), and a picture of the candidate with his or her family (current family, that is).
And then the routine list of endorsements (look for entries with the same last name as the candidate, and other endorsements that are suspect like Chef Boy-Ar-Dee, Dr. Doolittle, Boutrous-Boutrous Ghali, Mary Poppins, the Mormon Tabernacle Choir – listed individually, Fred What’s-His-Name, Some People Who Live Near My Parents, A Bunch of Guys Who Don’t Want Me to Use their Names).
It’s time for new blood in the political consulting market. I don’t mind sharing with you that I had some pretty good ideas for this last round of candidates. Take a look, and see if you don’t think these campaign slogans would have livened up the season a little:
You could DO WORSE than DEWHURST
John Corn(yn) – Do you want “Jimmy Crack’s” brother in charge of illegal drugs?
Hamp Hodges for Agriculture Commissioner: Why else have a name like Hamp?
Gene Kelly for Attorney General: Enough sense to come in Singin’ from the Rain
Candace Tyson for Judge: She’s Not Chicken
Rick Perry for Lieutenant Governor: I Ain’t Sharp
Fuller for Judge: Who would be scared of a judge named Lalon Peale?
Mayfield for County Commissioner: Touching Lives (and other things)
Lumpkin for Judge: Because His Name Sounds Funny
Jim Mattox for Attorney General: Past Experience and He’s Not Real Busy Right Now
Finn or Phen-Fen? Don’t take chances. Vote Gandy for Judge
Ehrhardt for State Representative: (That’s heart, not head)
Stockman for Railroad Commissioner: No Favors to Industry – Because He Knows Nothing About It
Of course, the Federal Election Commission prohibited me from writing this column until after election day because the contribution would have exceeded campaign contribution limits.
And some grumpy reader would probably have accused me of playing favorites in giving these great ideas only to candidates I like. Nonsense. I like and vote for all candidates.
The only candidate I will not vote for is the guy who says he wants to do something for “our children and our children’s children.” Someone tell that guy we have a word for what he’s trying to say – “grandchildren.”
Candidates, now you see what I can do, so give me a call next campaign. If not, your opponent might beat you to it. Which, on second thought, might be what you want.
