Sleuth Keffer unveils the plans that will put our neighborhood on the map

SPECIAL TO THE LAKE HIGHLANDS ADVOCATE — You are reading it here first. The following information has been provided exclusively to the Advocate and to this Wurlitzer Prize-winning columnist.

This scoop was delivered to me personally over the transom and under the radar in a roundabout way. The informant was a shadowy figure, whose silhouette set against the lunar-eclipse sky made me realize I had stayed up way past my bedtime. He left the package under the partially constructed portion of Northwest Highway between Lawther and Audelia with a cryptic note that read: “Lose weight now. Ask me how.”

But along with the note, there were building plans and blueprints and sketches and diagrams and a roll of free-burger coupons for Burger Spot. My super-sleuth skills were immediately triggered, and I, of course, first went directly to Burger Spot and promptly realized that in September it had gone to that “Great Dishwasher in the Sky”.

I then unrolled the detailed drawings and, after a diligent, focused review of the numbers and figures and sketches, eventually came to the conclusion that I was looking at the final plans for the Lake Highlands Town Center — mostly because at the top of the page I read these words: “Final Plans for the Lake Highlands Town Center”.

Elementary, my dear Watson.

As my eyes ran along the carefully detailed Town Center boundaries, I noticed that the drawings included names for retail tenants that were either desired or perhaps even confirmed but not yet announced. [I have consulted the Advocate’s general counsel, and he has advised that, since this information is still considered highly confidential, you should not disclose any of what you are about to read to anyone. It would also be prudent to place your copy of this column in a safe-deposit box or at least with your other family valuables, such as your “Dallas Cowboys: Super Bowl XLV Champions” poster, autographed by Wade Phillips.]

And so, here is the list of stores and businesses that are identified in these confidential documents:

Half Foods: This is a concept discount grocery store, similar to Whole Foods but at half the price, using half of the necessary space, and selling food that is only halfway edible.

The Other Half: Next door to Half Foods, using the rest of the space that a full-size grocery store would have occupied. Currently vacant.

Buzz Aldrin’s Anti-Gravity Pants Store: This is a new national chain started by famed NASA astronaut Buzz Aldrin to combat the continuing challenge today’s teens have with keeping their pants up.

Herb’s Paint My Body Shoppe: Community leader Alan Walne is taking his successful family auto-repair business concept into the profitable tattoo and body-piercing arena.

Bill’s Blaydes — and Leaves — of Grass: Former Lake Highlands city councilman and Voice of the Wildcats is showing his green thumb in this new landscaping endeavor, with poetry readings on Wednesdays.

What is that?: New restaurant featuring favorite dishes from Vietnam.

2 Good 2 Be True Loans: Same-day payday loans at very low interest rates. Special provision in lease permits this tenant to pay rent on a daily basis.

You Are Pregnant, Aren’t You?: Maternity clothes for expectant mothers (and anyone else they fit).

Out of Hockey: New pawn shop from former Dallas Stars center Mike Modano.

Don’t Just Say Cheese: New concept store offering professional photography and a selection of gourmet cheeses.

This Might Take a While: This is a new 24-hour fitness facility, serving those who have been over-served.

Lady Gagaga Amphitheater: Named for Lake Highlands native Myrtle Finkelman (now known as “Lady Gagaga” — that’s right, there’s one extra “ga”), this outdoor amphitheater will host concerts and plays. First concert will be by internationally acclaimed Yiddish salsa superstar Habanera Nagila.

As you can see, if this comes to pass, these stores will be cutting-edge and will likely put Lake Highlands on the map. Now if I can just find that map …