[Ed. Note: The following is a transcription of the final transmission the Advocate received from our special political correspondent, Bill "Scoop Doggie Dog" Keffer, at the Republican National Convention in Philadelphia last month just moments before he was consumed by a blizzard of balloons and confetti. Reportedly still traumatized by that evening’s events, "Scoop" continues to be treated at the Philadelphia Institute for Party Victims. Released from high above the crowd, the balloons and confetti were suddenly transformed into lethal party bombs as they raced towards impact. As Ralph Nader would say, these party decorations were unsafe at any speed. Those out of harm’s way had their fun but left it to the rest of us to pick up "Scoop’s" pieces. Compassionate conservatism, indeed! And now, here’s "Scoop’s" final report … . ]



"Good evening from the floor of the Republican National Convention. There is electricity, excitement, and just a hint of foot odor in the air. But that might be due to the fact that a lot of people are stepping on me, so please indulge me for a moment while I get myself up off the floor. There . . . that’s better.


Well, so there’s the stage! It’s much easier to see standing up. They’re singing the National Anthem, and the languages selected for tonight’s demonstration of elephant hugs are Swahili and Pig Latin.


Hey, there’s Bo Derek! Now you’re talking! What a great political mind! You know, it’s funny, but I’ve always kind of thought she and I would agree on most things. Hey Bo! Bo! A word, please? What’s your take on interest rates? Personally, I think you’re prime plus 10!


Now it looks like they’re going to do some more of the rolling roll call of the states. Let’s listen in.


Mr. Chairman: The great State of Utah, the only state that starts with a "U," the only state that ends with an "ah" sound, the only state that rhymes with "Poobah" … (makes you want to move there, doesn’t it?).

It looked like so much fun, I talked one of the delegations into letting me make their declaration.


Mr. Chairman: The great "we’re-not-really-a-state" State of American Samoa, home of big fat guys that do that wrestling thing in big diapers, the place where people from New Jersey think "smores" originated, and home of the tourist slogan "would you like Samoa?," gives its one-half of a delegate to George W. Bush! (The trip to Philadelphia was so expensive that they had to leave the other half at home.)


Governor Bush has just finished his acceptance speech, and this crowd loves it! Cokie and Sam are hugging! Bryant Gumbel and Jerry Falwell are exchanging high fives! Delegates are chanting "it’s time for them to go," referring either to Clinton/Gore or to the fact that there’s a very long line at the restroom.


But wait! Monica Lewinsky-sized balloons (pre-Jenny Craig) are dropping from the ceiling onto the crowd! Panic runs rampant! Confetti chokes the air! The pandemonium overwhelms the musical finale of Chaka Khan (so I guess it’s not all bad). Balloons engulf me . . . confetti surrounds me . . . does Bill Clinton feel my pain now?"



[Ed. Note: Such a sacrifice. Will we ever forget Scoop? Let’s hope not because he still owes me $10. I told him Bush wouldn’t pick Harry Potter.]