Ah, February! Just speaking its name makes you sound like Barbara Walters.

February is the month that our minds turn to thoughts of hearts and love and roses and chocolates and jewelry …

And lines of credit.

Yes, it’s Valentine’s Day. I have received quite a number of inquiries about whether I would once again be passing along some romantic tips from my love consultant Don Juannabe. Well, kids, you’re in luck. You guys might want to take notes, and you girls might want to slip this column into your boyfriend’s lunch box.

I asked the world-renowned romantic and all-around man-about-town Don Juannabe what secrets of amoré he might share with our Lake Highlanders-in-love. Here’s what he said:

"First, you must picture your love’s face as a heart. (Unless you’re a cardiologist, in which case, skip to my next tip.) Think of your love and feel your pulse quicken, your breathing increase, your head lighten – but make sure you’ve turned off the gas in the fireplace.

Try to remember the first time you saw your love. What was she wearing? What did she say? Did she think you were an idiot? Don’t worry; you’re not alone.

What gift will make your love smile? Oreos? If so, will you really want her to smile? Avoid rationalizing practical gifts. Yes, a new screwdriver set might enable you to complete your ‘honey-do’ list, but your sweetie might find another use that might be painful to you.

It’s much safer to select a highly impractical and very expensive gift – e.g., flowers that die the next day, delicious candies for the otherwise overweight, lingerie that might scare you if worn without adequate warning, and jewelry that could just as easily (and less expensively) have come from the Home Shopping Network. Yes, these are the gifts that are certain to turn Bubba into Biff, Fred into Fredri, Merle into Merlot. They would even make Hillary sing "Embrace me, you impeachable you."

Tell your love that she is the most beautiful thing you have seen since your dad’s ’64 Mustang. Tell her that her brown eyes remind you of White Rock Lake – after dredging.  And, then, stare dreamily into her face and tell her that there is so much more that you want to tell her – right after the sports."

You can order Don Juannabe’s latest video for husbands – ‘How to Avoid Getting into Lots of Trouble’ – by calling 1-800-I’M-SORRY. Until next time, enjoy Valentine’s Day

P.S. I am also reminded that this is the month we celebrate the now-neutered and totally meaningless Presidents’ Day. In fact, "February" comes from the Ozarkan phrase "feb" meaning "to tell a fib" and "ruary" meaning "every chance you get." Maybe this is the right month to recognize our President after all. So don’t forget to celebrate this special day by having an M&M-peach-mint pie – a real favorite these days around the House.