Yes kids, it’s presidential primary season again, and the smell of political pandering and convenient compromising is in the air. You can hear the sweet sounds of phone banks ringing and elbows twisting.

The caravan of presidential candidates is arriving in Texas for a Super Tuesday performance on March 12. A cast of characters will be appearing soon on a ballot at a Lake Highlands polling place near you.

You won’t be able to tell the players without the program. Have you studied the candidates and their positions on the issues? Or will you make your decision based on the time-honored tradition of “eenie-meenie-minie-moe”?

You could refer to the endorsements of respected publications like the Dallas Morning News, the National Enquirer, the Thrifty Nickel, or the Hurst-Euless-Bedford Bingo Weekly.

You could consult voters guides published by organizations like the League of Woman Voters, the American Association of Coin Flippers, or Procrastinators Anonymous (whose voters guide will come out some time in April).

Or you could read on for a list of my personal picks. But, please, no wagering.

Taking the easy one first, let’s talk about the Donkeys in the Democrat Party. The two choices are Bill “I’m Up to My Snorkel in Whitewater” Clinton and the ever-popular “None of the Above.” Early polls indicate it’s close, but if it turns into a battle of wits, “None” has a slight edge.

And then there are the Republicans – all of them. For some strange reason, in an election year when the President is only slightly more popular than O.J., and the First Lady is teaching us how to raise kids while being interrogated by grand juries, Republicans are nonetheless having a difficult time capturing the national interest.

What would the candidates say to us Lake Highlanders, were they given the chance to make their pitch to us?

Bob Dole: “My roots in Lake Highlands go way back. In fact, Flagpole Hill was originally to be called Bob Dole Hill, in honor of my many centuries of public service.”

Richard Lugar: “You know, my last name rhymes with ‘cougar’ and a cougar is a wildcat, and how ‘bout those Wildcats?”

Pat Buchanan’s Lake Highlands fund-raiser: “Irresistible force meets immovable object; i.e., Buchanan and John Wiley Price in the crosswalk in front of the Northeast Police Station. Don’t get caught in the Crossfire.”

Phil Gramm: “You can count on me to stick my neck out for Lake Highlands. But, then, that’s the kind of neck I have.” (Late news flash: Gramm’s out – he must have stuck his neck out too far.)

Lamar Alexander: “I am a former member of the Lake Highlands Lumberjacks, and I support outcome-based voting, especially when my victory is the outcome.”

Steve Forbes: “I promise to bring the Lake Highlands Advocate into the Forbes publishing family, and your star columnist Bill Keffer can name his salary.”

Alan Keyes: “Unlike the Jesse Jacksons of the world, when I hear ‘White Rock Lake,’ I don’t automatically think of racism.”

So how will these fellahs finish in Texas on March 12?

Kef says: Dole, Buchanan, Forbes, Alexander, Keyes, Lugar.

Who will the Republican nominee ultimately be? Don’t look now, but Kef predicts Pat Buchanan. And because the aforementioned fund-raiser will be so successful, his running mate might very well turn out to be John Wiley Price!