Running from office

After weeks and months of reading about, listening to and watching the “Bad Billy” Clinton impeachment proceedings, I have become convinced that the whole situation is so surreal that not even Danielle Steele or the National Enquirer would touch it for fear of being ridiculed for writing improbable stories.

The entire Motley Crew from the Clinton soap opera can be assured of finding employment after Jan. 1, 2001, at least with Jerry Springer, if no one else. Unfortunately, leadership often reflects society, and I think I’d like to find a new mirror.

With such sour events pervading the political world, it is amazing that anyone wants to darken the door of elected office for fear of being run over by the sleazemobile.

And yet, our man at City Hall, Alan Walne, has announced that he is running for re-election to the City Council. Although he has not asked for any specific input from me, I feel certain that he will not mind if I share my insightful political savvy with him publicly through this column.

Right, Al? (His tight pals call him “Al”).

So what lessons have we learned from the Master of Moral Disaster, Darth Evader – Big Billy Clinton?

Is it only that internships can be both educational and fun? Is it that having an affair can boost your spouse’s political future? Is it that impeachment can boost your own?

These lessons should be reviewed by all political candidates for maximum benefit, especially since they make about as much sense as life in the ’90s in America anyway.

For instance, Al, there’s no need to disclose your medical files and raise questions about whether your desire to serve on the City Council is in any way related to that time your head got caught between the pavement and that 18-wheeler.

Nor is there any need to admit that you hung around a little too close to the paint shop at Herb’s as a youth – but if you do, just say: “I didn’t inhale.”

Another interesting development is that felonies are “in.” Apparently, a politician’s popularity can increase in direct proportion to the number of felonies he commits.

Another “Al” on the City Council has already put this advice into practice. Don’t be the last “honest” Councilman – it can only hurt you in the polls.

Finally, if you start to feel uncertain about your position in the polls: first, find a different pollster; second, start spending our tax money on feel-good government programs – especially money you don’t really have.

Now, for some campaign slogans: