As a nationally syndicated columnist whose commentary appears not only in this esteemed publication but also in the Bingo Weekly in Muleshoe, Texas, the VFW Gazette in Piscataway, New Jersey, and the Beanie Babies Collector’s Guide in Kickapoo, Montana (a place where it pays not to wear sandals), I receive literally hundreds of requests for advice.
The topics range all the way from El Nino’s effects on acid indigestion to selecting the right pooper-scooper that won’t offend your dog.
There is one topic, however, on which Lake Highlanders regularly seek my advice. With Valentine’s Day just around the corner, I thought my loyal readers would like to benefit from some of the questions that have been asked and the wisdom I have imparted in response.
I think anyone who knows me, and this would include my wife (who tells me regularly what a hot-blooded romantic I am), knows that I have a certain “pate de fois gras” when it comes to making that certain someone feel special.
I can’t tell you the number of times in my life I have been attacked by dozens of women, all of whom are trying to claw and paw me, at least until they find out I really don’t have any beanie babies in my pockets. Here’s a sampling of some of my mail:
“My love life is listless. I have no direction,” signed Forlorn on Flagpole Hill.
Kefanova says: “Make a list. Buy a compass.”
“Why won’t someone take me to watch the submarine races?” signed Waiting at White Rock Lake.
Kefanova says: “It might be because you resemble something they just dredged up.”
“How can I avoid those awkward moments of small talk with women?” signed Speechless at ST’s.
Kefanova says: “Join the rest of the Lake Highlands family at PTs, where conversation is not required but a special exemption from City ordinance is.”
“For Valentine’s Day, should I get my wife a new dishwasher or a first aid kit for the car?” signed A Worried Wildcat.
Kefanova says: Go with the dishwasher, and save the first aid kit for your own use.”
“I’ve been married to my wife for 50 years. I have given her diamonds, rubies, sapphires and emeralds. What should I give her this year?” signed Out of Ideas and Money.
Kefanova says: “A bodyguard.” Well, as you can see, not just anyone can deftly handle the sensitive inquiries of people in love. This Valentine’s Day, remember to show the one you love how much you love them (and don’t forget to remove the price tag).
Answering your questions sometimes offers me the side benefit of a good idea. Don’t tell anyone, but come this time next month, some lucky girl at my house might be cozying up to a new Maytag!
